I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
