last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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