sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
