I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
