Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
