I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
