I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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