Your face is a jimmy john
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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