Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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