I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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