So drunk, too bad you don't want this
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
