I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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