The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
