I think im going to throw up on grandma
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
