I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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