My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I FOUND THE LEGS
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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