I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
