I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
