After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
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If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
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You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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