It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
