dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
