I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
