I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
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Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
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It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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