I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
i think im in europe. pls send help
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
