saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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