You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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