My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
you had me at cake vodka
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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