He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
