i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize
