Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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