why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
what day is it and did you see me today?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
