So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
