Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
