Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life