EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
COCAINE IS GR8
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
