Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Found the puke drawer
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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