I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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