I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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