the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
she told me i tasted like america
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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