he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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