I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
