you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
