Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
