smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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