I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
