I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
