I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
