If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
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