I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
