if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
