She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
