There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
