So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
