new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
