Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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