How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
