I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
