i need an iv and a liver transplant
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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